I'm Jealous Of My Husband

I have to be honest I almost didn't publish this post.  This is a real and raw post.  I finally hit publish because I figured I couldn't be the only one feeling this way.

I will tell you I didn't know I was jealous of Matt at first.  I knew I was angry, resentful, overwhelmed and afraid.  As a wife and mother the to do list seems never ending.  Whether you work or not being a mother is one of the hardest jobs, if not the hardest job on the planet.  

Matt and I are blessed to both have fulfilling careers and therefore we have someone who helps us 5 days a week.  For a long time I felt bad for being a working mother.  I've made my peace with that.  I am now thankful instead of guilty.  It was a long road but I'm in a good place with it.  I'm not saying that from time to time I don't wrestle with working and being mother but on the whole I am comfortable with my choice.  

So when these feelings started creeping up I thought it was working mother's guilt again but the more I thought and felt that wasn't it.  And one morning as I stood in the dining room in my pajamas with baby food all over me and Olivia and Emily standing up in her chair telling me "I need to take a big ole poop" Matt came out of our bedroom.  He was freshly showered, in his work clothes and he came up to me and the girls kissed us and said goodbye.  Immediately jealousy ran all through me.  I was jealous he got to take a shower without someone beating on the door asking for her princess dress, or asking me to sing a song.  I was jealous that he got to drink his coffee in the silence of his car and actually taste it.  Most of the time my coffee is lukewarm by the time I get to it and I'm downing it in an effort to move onto the next thing.

I didn't have a ton of time to think about how I was feeling given the baby food and big ole poop.  I also didn't like that I felt that way to be honest.  I wasn't comfortable being jealous.  Jealousy is one of those dark, shitty emotions we all try to pretend we don't have, I am no different.  The more I thought about it I couldn't deny I was pea green with envy.  

I was jealous of Matt because he had freedom.  He walks out the door in the morning and goes to work, period.  He gets to be present with his work and not get texts from the nanny about what might be going wrong.  He doesn't squeeze in trips to the grocery story or pharmacy between business meetings.  His mind isn't on constant override.  There is no running list in his head of "make Olivia's 9 month well visit", "Emily really needs more underwear", "Should I go to the grocery now or wait until the weekend?"  "Do we have enough formula?" "Should I sign Em up for swim lessons?"

You get the gist.  If you are a mother your mind never stops.  You worry about what will happen, what won't happen and what you can't control.  As a mother you are constantly planning, organizing, cleaning and scheduling.  It is a constant task that doesn't take days off.  There are no holidays, sick days or vacation days when you're a mom.  

I have to tell you that I didn't want to tell Matt I was jealous but I knew I was acting like the great American psycho to him and he didn't know why.  When I told him he was surprised.  As I explained why I was he slowly came to understand it.  While Matt is an extremely hands on dad that is ready and willing to do everything I do he has to be told to do "it".  He doesn't always know what needs to be done and when it needs to be done but he's happy to do it when asked.  

I'm lucky that he got what I was saying.  That he didn't shut me down and tell me I was being ridiculous.  He recognized that being a mother is really hard work and that the to do list is never ending.  I think it helped him understand some of my resentment towards him.   I think it helped him realize I wasn't just being a crazy bitch for no reason.  

One thing I've realized lately is that darkness can't exist in the light.  By saying out loud how I was feeling as vulnerable and embarrassed as I was it helped.  It helped to say it to him and be heard.  Slowly the jealousy that was gripping my heart melted away.  It rears its head from time to time and now I just tell him "I'm jealous right now".  He will nod his head or say sorry or hug me.  And that honestly helps more than anything.  

I tell you all of this because it's real.  It's not a perfectly posed instagram pic, or a thoughtful Facebook article...it's my life.  And life is messy, chaotic, unpredictable but still amazingly beautiful. 

In closing I want to tell you the truth:  if you're a mom out there you are a rockstar!  You are kicking ass and taking names even when you don't think you are.  I know that motherhood is riddled with lots of emotions that are often times confusing and uncomfortable.  I applaud you for pushing through and more importantly moving through the difficult times and coming out the other side.  I am in awe of you as you walk this sometimes rocky road.  I am with you on this path and want you to know you are not alone.  

xoxo