I Never Meant to be a Teacher
I want to start out by saying I feel a massive amount of love, respect and honor for all of those individuals who are teachers. I truly feel like you are the unsung heroes of our world and don't get near enough credit (or pay).
I entertained the idea of being a teacher for about 15 minutes in elementary school and realized even then I didn't have the patience. My stuffed animals weren't cooperating with the ABC's lesson I put together and I lost interest pretty quickly.
I really didn't give it much thought again until I had kids. I got a lot of anxiety after having my first child and a massive amount after having my second. As I did some soul searching about the anxiety I realized it was because of the terrifying thought that I am their most important teacher. You see all those little sayings and signs about moms/parents being the most important teacher, just be being.
All I can say to that is JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL! Y'all I am far from perfect I am impatient, fiery, cuss, listen to dirty rap music, eat fast food way too often, use dry shampoo the way most people shower, drink too much caffeine and way too much wine, have super shitty days and these are just the things I feel comfortable sharing.
The idea that now I am not just someone's teacher but the two little people that mean more than life to me is scary as hell (see here I go cussing). It literally can cripple me somedays the enormity of of being their teacher, the idea that they are going to pick up on things thatI've said or done that I'm not even aware of and internalize them in a way that I have zero control over.
I've agonized about this, worried, prayed and wrung my hands about it. I was confessing all of this to a very amazing, inspirational, highly sane human I have in my life and she listened while I told her all my faults and how I never wanted to be a teacher and how I was probably screwing my kids up for life etc. When I was done she waited a minute and said that may be but what about all the amazing things you are teaching them?
I sat there completely quiet because I hadn't thought about that at all. She continued by saying that being authentic and transparent with your kids can be scary but it can also be how they learn. She summarized what I've heard Glennon Doyle Melton say before that shielding our kids from pain is robbing them of their lessons. That my job is to say I see your fear but I also see your courage and your courage is bigger. (I now say this to myself when I get scared or think I can't do that. I tell myself I see your fear and it is real but I see your courage and it is stronger.)
She said you show them the "lessons" by doing the hard things, by never giving up and be just being yourself. I exhaled probably for the first time in 4 years. I let go for the first time in years. I realized that I am going to teach my kids all sorts of things, some might be deemed good and some might be deemed bad, but those are their lessons to sort through and make sense of at the right time. That by trying to be "perfect" I'm not doing myself or them any favors.
So the work for me is to be my authentic self each day no matter how it looks different from what I thought it might. I think we all have an idea of the mother we are going to be before the kiddos come and then there is the reality of the mother you actually are. For me that space between can cause me to be really hard on myself. Now I'm realizing that the mother I am right now, today, is exactly the mother my kids need.
I'm realizing there is no "perfect" after all and what is real, true is our authenticity and our individualism. I tell Emily and Olivia each day that they are unique and no one can do exactly what they can do and that is a gift from God. I realized the other day I probably need to take my own advice :)
xoxo
I entertained the idea of being a teacher for about 15 minutes in elementary school and realized even then I didn't have the patience. My stuffed animals weren't cooperating with the ABC's lesson I put together and I lost interest pretty quickly.
I really didn't give it much thought again until I had kids. I got a lot of anxiety after having my first child and a massive amount after having my second. As I did some soul searching about the anxiety I realized it was because of the terrifying thought that I am their most important teacher. You see all those little sayings and signs about moms/parents being the most important teacher, just be being.
All I can say to that is JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL! Y'all I am far from perfect I am impatient, fiery, cuss, listen to dirty rap music, eat fast food way too often, use dry shampoo the way most people shower, drink too much caffeine and way too much wine, have super shitty days and these are just the things I feel comfortable sharing.
The idea that now I am not just someone's teacher but the two little people that mean more than life to me is scary as hell (see here I go cussing). It literally can cripple me somedays the enormity of of being their teacher, the idea that they are going to pick up on things thatI've said or done that I'm not even aware of and internalize them in a way that I have zero control over.
I've agonized about this, worried, prayed and wrung my hands about it. I was confessing all of this to a very amazing, inspirational, highly sane human I have in my life and she listened while I told her all my faults and how I never wanted to be a teacher and how I was probably screwing my kids up for life etc. When I was done she waited a minute and said that may be but what about all the amazing things you are teaching them?
I sat there completely quiet because I hadn't thought about that at all. She continued by saying that being authentic and transparent with your kids can be scary but it can also be how they learn. She summarized what I've heard Glennon Doyle Melton say before that shielding our kids from pain is robbing them of their lessons. That my job is to say I see your fear but I also see your courage and your courage is bigger. (I now say this to myself when I get scared or think I can't do that. I tell myself I see your fear and it is real but I see your courage and it is stronger.)
She said you show them the "lessons" by doing the hard things, by never giving up and be just being yourself. I exhaled probably for the first time in 4 years. I let go for the first time in years. I realized that I am going to teach my kids all sorts of things, some might be deemed good and some might be deemed bad, but those are their lessons to sort through and make sense of at the right time. That by trying to be "perfect" I'm not doing myself or them any favors.
So the work for me is to be my authentic self each day no matter how it looks different from what I thought it might. I think we all have an idea of the mother we are going to be before the kiddos come and then there is the reality of the mother you actually are. For me that space between can cause me to be really hard on myself. Now I'm realizing that the mother I am right now, today, is exactly the mother my kids need.
I'm realizing there is no "perfect" after all and what is real, true is our authenticity and our individualism. I tell Emily and Olivia each day that they are unique and no one can do exactly what they can do and that is a gift from God. I realized the other day I probably need to take my own advice :)
xoxo
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