The Shame Game
Happy Tuesday peeps!! I hope you and yours are doing well. I have to tell you I've been thinking a lot about shame lately and specifically how, we as parents, play the shame game. I wish I could sit here and tell you that I've never done it, that I've never criticized or put down how someone else parents but I have and I fear I probably will again in the future.
Parenting is such a big, often scary, overwhelming, beautiful, brave, awesome experience for us that I think sometimes we crack! I saw an instagram post yesterday that honestly inspired this blog post. An amazing mom posted a video of her son sleeping in his own bed. Maybe to you or to me that's "normal" or something we take for granted but it wasn't for her. She wrote deeply touching words about accepting (for her own sanity) that her son didn't sleep the way other kids did. She talked about releasing the judgement of other parents, so called parenting experts and everyone else.
It was so beautiful and so brave I literally lost my breath. While I am instagram "friends" with this woman we don't hang or have each other's numbers so I could not text her and say way to go so I said it on instagram. I told her she was a bad ass mom because to me she really is! To me she listened to her gut and instead of allowing the shame spiral to completely overwhelm her she continued to follow the best path for her child. I kind of want to be her when I grow up :)
I think what she did is what I strive to do each day which is hold space for my children. Hold space for them to melt down in target over a my little pony and trust that we can both handle this even if it is wildly uncomfortable for me. Before I had kids I was one of those people that said "I will never let my child do that." as I witnessed a kid throwing their food on the ground, having a tantrum, disobeying etc.
I have eaten my words over and over. What I know is that I can't be too hard on the me before that thought parenting was simple, easy, ready made steps you followed to create perfectly well behaved kids. Parenting isn't that, it's nowhere close to that in my experience. In my experience being a parent will challenge everything you think you know about yourself, the world and others. It will test you and teach you in equal parts. It will humble you and haunt you and it is forever.
When I became a mother there was no title I was more proud of than, momma. I wore it like a sheriff's badge, bright, shiny and right where everyone could see it. But as the days, weeks and years continued that badge got a little heavy. The idea I had in my head of being a perfect mom made me second guess myself, go to insane classes with my child (that neither of us enjoyed) and made me feel shameful that I wasn't perfect.
I think what I love about the instagram story I told you earlier is that it's a living breathing example of carving your own path. This mom said to hell with y'all and did what was best for her son. I hope I do that more often times than not. I hope I don't let the shame, the weight of motherhood prevent me from truly seeing my girls. I hope I don't let the fear that I'm "doing it wrong" make me judge others parenting. I hope my girls goes into this world knowing they are fiercely loved and trusted.
I spoke to a wise minister about how I felt the pressure and shame to be the perfect mother. He patiently listened and then suggested every time my mind tried to shove perfect in the equation that I use the word love instead. So now instead of perfect meals, trips, outfits etc. I try (and don't get it twisted I fail) to do things lovingly. To lovingly look at the world from their perspective. To treat them and myself with love. Because I've come to realize the people my children will become has so much more to do with how I treat myself and others than the words I say to them over and over.
I hope next time a mom is brave enough to share her story on instagram, at the playground or wherever you are that you high five her. That you tell her way to go. I hope that we all can suspend judgement on how and why we parent the way we do. Honestly, we are all in the trenches and need to support each other not tear each other down. I hope we can all stand together and say I honor what works for your family even if it looks different for me and my family. I hope that more people share and are honest about their journey.
Thank you, as always, to listening to this rambling mother's journey. xoxo
Parenting is such a big, often scary, overwhelming, beautiful, brave, awesome experience for us that I think sometimes we crack! I saw an instagram post yesterday that honestly inspired this blog post. An amazing mom posted a video of her son sleeping in his own bed. Maybe to you or to me that's "normal" or something we take for granted but it wasn't for her. She wrote deeply touching words about accepting (for her own sanity) that her son didn't sleep the way other kids did. She talked about releasing the judgement of other parents, so called parenting experts and everyone else.
It was so beautiful and so brave I literally lost my breath. While I am instagram "friends" with this woman we don't hang or have each other's numbers so I could not text her and say way to go so I said it on instagram. I told her she was a bad ass mom because to me she really is! To me she listened to her gut and instead of allowing the shame spiral to completely overwhelm her she continued to follow the best path for her child. I kind of want to be her when I grow up :)
I think what she did is what I strive to do each day which is hold space for my children. Hold space for them to melt down in target over a my little pony and trust that we can both handle this even if it is wildly uncomfortable for me. Before I had kids I was one of those people that said "I will never let my child do that." as I witnessed a kid throwing their food on the ground, having a tantrum, disobeying etc.
I have eaten my words over and over. What I know is that I can't be too hard on the me before that thought parenting was simple, easy, ready made steps you followed to create perfectly well behaved kids. Parenting isn't that, it's nowhere close to that in my experience. In my experience being a parent will challenge everything you think you know about yourself, the world and others. It will test you and teach you in equal parts. It will humble you and haunt you and it is forever.
When I became a mother there was no title I was more proud of than, momma. I wore it like a sheriff's badge, bright, shiny and right where everyone could see it. But as the days, weeks and years continued that badge got a little heavy. The idea I had in my head of being a perfect mom made me second guess myself, go to insane classes with my child (that neither of us enjoyed) and made me feel shameful that I wasn't perfect.
I think what I love about the instagram story I told you earlier is that it's a living breathing example of carving your own path. This mom said to hell with y'all and did what was best for her son. I hope I do that more often times than not. I hope I don't let the shame, the weight of motherhood prevent me from truly seeing my girls. I hope I don't let the fear that I'm "doing it wrong" make me judge others parenting. I hope my girls goes into this world knowing they are fiercely loved and trusted.
I spoke to a wise minister about how I felt the pressure and shame to be the perfect mother. He patiently listened and then suggested every time my mind tried to shove perfect in the equation that I use the word love instead. So now instead of perfect meals, trips, outfits etc. I try (and don't get it twisted I fail) to do things lovingly. To lovingly look at the world from their perspective. To treat them and myself with love. Because I've come to realize the people my children will become has so much more to do with how I treat myself and others than the words I say to them over and over.
I hope next time a mom is brave enough to share her story on instagram, at the playground or wherever you are that you high five her. That you tell her way to go. I hope that we all can suspend judgement on how and why we parent the way we do. Honestly, we are all in the trenches and need to support each other not tear each other down. I hope we can all stand together and say I honor what works for your family even if it looks different for me and my family. I hope that more people share and are honest about their journey.
Thank you, as always, to listening to this rambling mother's journey. xoxo
Love this- especially your conversation with your minister. I'm going to remember that! Social media can be so inspiring (you're good at that!) but can also make it so tough. I've found myself seeing precious pics of kids at the pumpkin patch and thinking "oh gosh, I'm terrible- haven't done that yet and haven't done a lick of Halloween decorating" instead of just thinking "what a cute picture/fun family outing"...shame/guilt always there!
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