Fear
That's a crazy title for a blogpost isn't it? Ha, ha! Well if you have been reading for a while you know that I am not afraid of crazy. While fear resonates with me, pain might be more accurate for what you are experiencing. I sometimes use those words interchangeably.
To be honest I've been thinking a lot about fear for a long time now. See I grew up afraid of everything! Afraid my parents would get divorced or die, afraid I had some incurable disease and mostly afraid to grow up. Afraid to say the speech in English class, write the term paper, say yes to the boy and on and on.
One of the best examples I have of how afraid I was of everything was seeing a picture of myself the day I was born. It was in the delivery room and in the background you would see a tray of instruments and the smallest amount of blood. That image was all I saw. Not my mother looking utterly in love or how cute I was I saw those medical supplies and thought no way! That is too scary, I can't do that. I felt the same way, to a lesser degree, when I saw my mom use her eyelash curler.
Even though I got through those scary experiences (eyelash curler included) the fear grew and grew as my life became bigger. The stakes seemed to be higher so the fear became greater. I learned to manage it, numb it, check out from it, push through it but mostly I learned to avoid it. I learned to pretend it wasn't happening or shove it down but that never really worked. The fear would come back with the vengeance until I paid attention to it.
The other day I started really thinking about my relationship with fear. Why did I avoid it? What was I was I so afraid of? And what was the fear actually trying to tell me? My mind started circling around an idea and honestly it took me several days to laid the plane. What I started realizing is maybe my fear isn't so bad. Maybe it isn't this awful part of me that I need to disown or run away from me. Maybe my fear is actually trying to tell me something and maybe it's time I listen.
Do you know what I think my fear is telling me? I think it's telling me when I'm acting like an asshole, when I'm out of alignment, when I'm not being myself and when I need to pay attention. I think I ignore the gentle reminders along the way and then fear has to rise up and smack me in the head to get my attention. It's kind of like when you're driving and all of the sudden you realize you've been zoned our for God knows how long and somehow you managed to stay on the road. I think that's our fear waking us up to say HELLO you're driving, pay attention.
I think my fear is also asking me to pay attention to my life, all of it, not just the good parts. I think my fear is actually an invitation to observe what I've been missing, ignoring or what isn't working. Thinking about my fear this way has really taken the scaries away. It's making me ask the fear what are you trying to tell me? What is your purpose? I read something the other day that said "pain isn't optional but struggle is". Drop the mic!
For me that quote is telling me that of course I'm going to experience fear but I get to decide how I interact with it, relate to it and eventually move through it. No one else gets to decide that for me and that my friends is a beautiful thing. I know now that fear exists, it's real and that's ok. It should exist, it should be a part of life because if you let it, it can be an incredible teacher. It can be an incredible stepping stone to the next phase of life as long as you don't let it dominate you. If you invite it in versus avoiding it and stay around long enough to listen it just might change everything. It did for me anyway.
xoxo
To be honest I've been thinking a lot about fear for a long time now. See I grew up afraid of everything! Afraid my parents would get divorced or die, afraid I had some incurable disease and mostly afraid to grow up. Afraid to say the speech in English class, write the term paper, say yes to the boy and on and on.
One of the best examples I have of how afraid I was of everything was seeing a picture of myself the day I was born. It was in the delivery room and in the background you would see a tray of instruments and the smallest amount of blood. That image was all I saw. Not my mother looking utterly in love or how cute I was I saw those medical supplies and thought no way! That is too scary, I can't do that. I felt the same way, to a lesser degree, when I saw my mom use her eyelash curler.
Even though I got through those scary experiences (eyelash curler included) the fear grew and grew as my life became bigger. The stakes seemed to be higher so the fear became greater. I learned to manage it, numb it, check out from it, push through it but mostly I learned to avoid it. I learned to pretend it wasn't happening or shove it down but that never really worked. The fear would come back with the vengeance until I paid attention to it.
The other day I started really thinking about my relationship with fear. Why did I avoid it? What was I was I so afraid of? And what was the fear actually trying to tell me? My mind started circling around an idea and honestly it took me several days to laid the plane. What I started realizing is maybe my fear isn't so bad. Maybe it isn't this awful part of me that I need to disown or run away from me. Maybe my fear is actually trying to tell me something and maybe it's time I listen.
Do you know what I think my fear is telling me? I think it's telling me when I'm acting like an asshole, when I'm out of alignment, when I'm not being myself and when I need to pay attention. I think I ignore the gentle reminders along the way and then fear has to rise up and smack me in the head to get my attention. It's kind of like when you're driving and all of the sudden you realize you've been zoned our for God knows how long and somehow you managed to stay on the road. I think that's our fear waking us up to say HELLO you're driving, pay attention.
I think my fear is also asking me to pay attention to my life, all of it, not just the good parts. I think my fear is actually an invitation to observe what I've been missing, ignoring or what isn't working. Thinking about my fear this way has really taken the scaries away. It's making me ask the fear what are you trying to tell me? What is your purpose? I read something the other day that said "pain isn't optional but struggle is". Drop the mic!
For me that quote is telling me that of course I'm going to experience fear but I get to decide how I interact with it, relate to it and eventually move through it. No one else gets to decide that for me and that my friends is a beautiful thing. I know now that fear exists, it's real and that's ok. It should exist, it should be a part of life because if you let it, it can be an incredible teacher. It can be an incredible stepping stone to the next phase of life as long as you don't let it dominate you. If you invite it in versus avoiding it and stay around long enough to listen it just might change everything. It did for me anyway.
xoxo
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