The Confessional….
Hello lovely readers! I apologize for the length of this post. It is long and my take sometime to ready but I hope it's worth it.
To bring you up to speed I've been moving, throwing Em's first bday party, changing jobs and in general being in chaos. So I've been experiencing lots of life changes.
All of this change came about pretty organically for me. I have to tell you that having a child will change your world in a way nothing else can. People say this to you when they are giving you baby showers and soft blankets for gifts and you will nod but trust you have no idea. You have no idea how this tiny person is going to be your everything. How having a baby is like watching your heart on the outside.
I thought I was ready for all of it. I read the books, bought all the right toys and knew I could handle it. The good news is I did. I took to motherhood very well much to my surprise and I think everyone else's. The problem was I might have taken to it a little too well as I didn't and still don't want to leave Emily.
I went back to work in corporate America and sent Emily to daycare like so many mothers do. I dealt with guilt, heart ache, anger and fear daily. Matt and I had a million conversations about how to make me feel better or make the situation more livable. But for the most part we plowed through. We made the best of it.
That was until Emily started getting ear infections. Like everyday of her life. Seriously there was a time period there for 8 weeks that if she wasn't on an antibiotic she had an ear infection. She would only sleep propped up on me (which didn't do wonders for my already sporadic sleep pattern).
Everything changed for me one day. It was that dramatic and life changing for me. Other people probably would have blown it off but I truly believe that your gut and instinct is how God speaks to you. However, you have to listen and be still enough to hear Him.
Back to the life changing day! It was a Monday and normally my MIL keeps Em but she was very sick and couldn't. So I called daycare in hopes they could take her and they could, hooray! Problem solved, right?! Not exactly as I realized that she had a fever of 101 and yet another ear infection. To top it off she had the worst diaper rash I had ever seen.
I would have stayed with her normally but I had to be in the office as very important people were flying down from the mothership for a meet and greet. So the hubs took her to work. She did pretty good but only wanted to be held. He honestly took her to his business meetings while he was signing deals. When he told me that night that a customer had to hold her so he could sign a contract my heart dropped.
It really shouldn't be a big deal but all I could think was "a stranger is doing what I want to be doing". I promptly began drinking wine because more often times than not it makes me feel better and helps me solve my problems :)
More importantly I started thinking about what was important. How could I make everything work?! How could I be a great wife, mother and worker...how could I do it all? I realized that I couldn't do it all. That if I tried, I would fail and the casualty of all of it would be me. That even on my best days everyone would be taken care of but me. I wasn't ok with that. I'm not a selfish person by any means but I knew that in order to live the life I had always envisioned and in my heart wanted things had to change.
I didn't sleep that night and when I woke up the next day I felt exactly the same. I started telling the hubs (because change is super hard for him) "something has to change". He looked at me like he often does....stoic, serious and confused. I kept saying it over and over. On the bad days I would cry "this isn't working". He just kept nodding. I think he knew this was something I had to work out on my own for a bit.
Finally, I put myself out there and started to see if there were work opportunities that were more flexible. I didn't have to look very far and I found just the right one. Two sweet, old friends welcomed me with open arms to their firm. I was beside myself that I was able to find a job that let me do what I loved but also gave me time with my family. Leaving my old employer is one of the hardest things I've ever done. After 10 years the people there were my family. I still miss them each day. I am forever grateful to them for understanding why I had to leave.
I knew this change would allow other things to happen as well. The hubs has always wanted to move back to his hometown. One of the first things he told me when we were dating is "I will be back in Cartersville by the time I'm 35". He doesn't remember saying it but I always remembered it. He said it with such conviction that I knew he would do it.
When I knew this new job would allow me to commute easily I told him that it might be time to make the move. That now was as good a time as any to pull the trigger. So we put our townhouse on the market thinking we had months to prepare and plan. God had other plans! Our house sold in 4 hours and the buyer wanted us out ASAP. We immediately began looking for houses in Cville and thankfully found the one that was just right for us.
The only issue was timing. We had about a six week gap where we were not going to have anywhere to live. So I did what I always do when I get stuck or don't know what to do. I called my parents and explained the situation. They immediately welcomed us into their home. They totally went above and beyond the call of duty to welcome us with open arms.
Six weeks came and went and we were able to move into our new house! It needed lots of work to be move in ready and I will forever by grateful to my FIL for handling everything. He did in 5 days what takes most people months to do. See we were under the gun because 4 days after we moved in it was Emily's birthday and I wanted her party in the new house.
So I pushed! I pushed myself and everyone around me to get our house ready for her 1st birthday. I want her to have every birthday at our new house if she wants too. I know it sounds silly but to me it was important. Hindsight being 20-20 I probably should have had it The Pizza Hut and saved myself and everyone else a lot of trouble, ha!
Now life is settling down a bit. We are finally home and it has never been so sweet. I love where we live, my new job and the life we are continuing to build. I'm not saying it's easy or that Emily hasn't had a hard time adjusting because she absolutely has but what I am saying is that in my heart I know I did the right thing(s).
I didn't do the easy thing, the painless thing or the selfish thing I did what was best for my family. We still have a long road ahead of us and things will change. Life won't stop and neither will the curve balls and that's ok. This life lesson taught me I can do it! I may cry and have bad days and want to give up but in the end I can do it.
My mother says that "it takes a lot of living to make a house a home" so that's what we are doing right now! We are having people over, sitting on the back porch having cocktails, making dinner, doing laundry and in general getting back to being ourselves.
Life is good right now and for that I am beyond thankful!
xoxo
To bring you up to speed I've been moving, throwing Em's first bday party, changing jobs and in general being in chaos. So I've been experiencing lots of life changes.
All of this change came about pretty organically for me. I have to tell you that having a child will change your world in a way nothing else can. People say this to you when they are giving you baby showers and soft blankets for gifts and you will nod but trust you have no idea. You have no idea how this tiny person is going to be your everything. How having a baby is like watching your heart on the outside.
I thought I was ready for all of it. I read the books, bought all the right toys and knew I could handle it. The good news is I did. I took to motherhood very well much to my surprise and I think everyone else's. The problem was I might have taken to it a little too well as I didn't and still don't want to leave Emily.
I went back to work in corporate America and sent Emily to daycare like so many mothers do. I dealt with guilt, heart ache, anger and fear daily. Matt and I had a million conversations about how to make me feel better or make the situation more livable. But for the most part we plowed through. We made the best of it.
That was until Emily started getting ear infections. Like everyday of her life. Seriously there was a time period there for 8 weeks that if she wasn't on an antibiotic she had an ear infection. She would only sleep propped up on me (which didn't do wonders for my already sporadic sleep pattern).
Everything changed for me one day. It was that dramatic and life changing for me. Other people probably would have blown it off but I truly believe that your gut and instinct is how God speaks to you. However, you have to listen and be still enough to hear Him.
Back to the life changing day! It was a Monday and normally my MIL keeps Em but she was very sick and couldn't. So I called daycare in hopes they could take her and they could, hooray! Problem solved, right?! Not exactly as I realized that she had a fever of 101 and yet another ear infection. To top it off she had the worst diaper rash I had ever seen.
I would have stayed with her normally but I had to be in the office as very important people were flying down from the mothership for a meet and greet. So the hubs took her to work. She did pretty good but only wanted to be held. He honestly took her to his business meetings while he was signing deals. When he told me that night that a customer had to hold her so he could sign a contract my heart dropped.
It really shouldn't be a big deal but all I could think was "a stranger is doing what I want to be doing". I promptly began drinking wine because more often times than not it makes me feel better and helps me solve my problems :)
More importantly I started thinking about what was important. How could I make everything work?! How could I be a great wife, mother and worker...how could I do it all? I realized that I couldn't do it all. That if I tried, I would fail and the casualty of all of it would be me. That even on my best days everyone would be taken care of but me. I wasn't ok with that. I'm not a selfish person by any means but I knew that in order to live the life I had always envisioned and in my heart wanted things had to change.
I didn't sleep that night and when I woke up the next day I felt exactly the same. I started telling the hubs (because change is super hard for him) "something has to change". He looked at me like he often does....stoic, serious and confused. I kept saying it over and over. On the bad days I would cry "this isn't working". He just kept nodding. I think he knew this was something I had to work out on my own for a bit.
Finally, I put myself out there and started to see if there were work opportunities that were more flexible. I didn't have to look very far and I found just the right one. Two sweet, old friends welcomed me with open arms to their firm. I was beside myself that I was able to find a job that let me do what I loved but also gave me time with my family. Leaving my old employer is one of the hardest things I've ever done. After 10 years the people there were my family. I still miss them each day. I am forever grateful to them for understanding why I had to leave.
I knew this change would allow other things to happen as well. The hubs has always wanted to move back to his hometown. One of the first things he told me when we were dating is "I will be back in Cartersville by the time I'm 35". He doesn't remember saying it but I always remembered it. He said it with such conviction that I knew he would do it.
When I knew this new job would allow me to commute easily I told him that it might be time to make the move. That now was as good a time as any to pull the trigger. So we put our townhouse on the market thinking we had months to prepare and plan. God had other plans! Our house sold in 4 hours and the buyer wanted us out ASAP. We immediately began looking for houses in Cville and thankfully found the one that was just right for us.
The only issue was timing. We had about a six week gap where we were not going to have anywhere to live. So I did what I always do when I get stuck or don't know what to do. I called my parents and explained the situation. They immediately welcomed us into their home. They totally went above and beyond the call of duty to welcome us with open arms.
Six weeks came and went and we were able to move into our new house! It needed lots of work to be move in ready and I will forever by grateful to my FIL for handling everything. He did in 5 days what takes most people months to do. See we were under the gun because 4 days after we moved in it was Emily's birthday and I wanted her party in the new house.
So I pushed! I pushed myself and everyone around me to get our house ready for her 1st birthday. I want her to have every birthday at our new house if she wants too. I know it sounds silly but to me it was important. Hindsight being 20-20 I probably should have had it The Pizza Hut and saved myself and everyone else a lot of trouble, ha!
Now life is settling down a bit. We are finally home and it has never been so sweet. I love where we live, my new job and the life we are continuing to build. I'm not saying it's easy or that Emily hasn't had a hard time adjusting because she absolutely has but what I am saying is that in my heart I know I did the right thing(s).
I didn't do the easy thing, the painless thing or the selfish thing I did what was best for my family. We still have a long road ahead of us and things will change. Life won't stop and neither will the curve balls and that's ok. This life lesson taught me I can do it! I may cry and have bad days and want to give up but in the end I can do it.
My mother says that "it takes a lot of living to make a house a home" so that's what we are doing right now! We are having people over, sitting on the back porch having cocktails, making dinner, doing laundry and in general getting back to being ourselves.
Life is good right now and for that I am beyond thankful!
xoxo
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