The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth

I don't really want to write this post.  I want to crawl in my bed, with the covers over my head and watch the real housewives of nyc seasons 1 and 2 (before Jill and Bethenny hate each other).  I don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone or answer my phone.  In fact it's been on silent for the past three days.  


I am writing this post because I started this blog as a living, breathing diary.  It is a fluid documentation of my life and what is going on right now.  Unfortunately what is going on right now isn't a fun trip, a great product recommendation or a great style entry... it is real life.  


This week something sad happened to me and the hubs, we had a miscarriage.  I will tell you that I hate the word miscarriage it seems clinical to me.  What I have said is we lost the baby because that is how it feels to me.  


Without boring you or scaring you with too many details I knew something wasn't exactly right.  I started bleeding and was away from home and my doctor which made it worse.  I bleed for a solid week and when we went to the doctor for our appointment the sweet girl doing my ultrasound didn't show me my baby.  Instead she told me and the hubs that she could not diagnose patients so she would take me over to the doctor.


I already knew then we had lost our baby.  The doctor was great about it and said all the right things.  She kept handing me tissues because I think she wanted me to cry or thought I needed to cry but honestly I needed to get the F out of there.  I wanted to run out of her office, all the way to the parking deck, get in my car and drive and drive.  


Not to sound like Britney Spears (remember that out of control time period when she wore that pink wig and drove around all the time) but driving around has always helped me cope with things.  You are alone, in your space, with your music and to me it helps me process everything.


I didn't run out of her office I sat there nodding my head and went into the exam room for the pelvic exam and so they could draw blood.  I have to take a pregnancy test in two weeks and it has to be negative or I have to go back in which frankly seems like the most cruel and unusual punishment you could dole out to me right now.  


I left her office feeling numb and to be honest incredibly pissed off.  I went home and slept for an hour.   I woke up read books, watched bad tv and stayed close to the hubs.  The rest of the week seemed to be a blur of the same.  I did get out to go to the grocery store and to Lowe's to get some flowers to plant because I needed the distraction.  


In the middle of all of this I found some of the maternity clothes I had recently gotten in the mail, the Mother's Day cards the hubs and my parents had given me and all the pregnancy books I had been reading.  I just packed them all up and put them in the attic.  I can't really deal with them now.  I don't know how to feel about all of it and I just needed to make it go away.  


I can't really talk to anyone just yet with the exception of a few people.  I know this happens all the time, it is your bodies way of taking care of something that wasn't right, I know everything will be ok etc.  To be honest I just can't receive it right now and also I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, that makes me feel worse.  


So right now I feel like I'm in a bit of limbo.  I don't know how I'm suppose to feel.  I will tell you that I will have to come out of hiding on Monday and return to real life and maybe that's a good thing.  I have always believed in faking it, till you make it so that's what I'm going to do.  


I wouldn't be able to write this right now if it wasn't for the hubs.  He hast stuck by me throughout all of this and made the phone calls I couldn't make, planned dinner, picked up wine, sat in silence with me, watched me cry, taken me to the bathroom in the hospital, seen me in stirrups more times than I can count and in general been the best support system I could ask for.  


It's one thing to say your wedding vows it's another thing to actually live them.  I realized that it's not always the fun things, the sexy things or the happy things that build your marriage it's the hard things.  The hubs has done more and been more to me in this past week than I could ever imagine.  I love him more today than I did yesterday or the day we got married.  


I wish I had a great way to end this story but I don't.  My heart is broken and I've cried more tears than I can count.  Someone who I love more than anything told me I will meet my baby in heaven and that is the one thing I have been holding onto.  


I apologize that this entry was so heavy but I have committed to myself and to you to always tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and today this is my truth.  


xoxo