Honor

Hello lovies?  How are you today?

Are you getting game day ready?  Or just relaxing?

I (as always) am loving the weekend and having some "me" time.  These free weekends have given me lots of time to reflect and be honest about what I'm feeling. 

I have to tell you that I have been thinking a lot about this past year and what it all means.  I sat down with a trusted mentor and fellow Christian to ask some tough questions about what I have experienced.  I needed someone outside of my situation to listen to what I've been through this past year and help me make sense of it.   I needed this advisor and friend to help me sort through the myriad of emotions I was feeling. 

I hit a wall last week where I felt overwhelmed with sadness and loss.  Losing both my grandfathers, a dear friend and suffering a miscarriage all since January have made it hard for me to be happy.  Every time I've gotten my happy back, so to speak, I feel like something else knocks me down. 

I got the best advice (as I knew I would) and learned a lot about myself through the conversation with my mentor.  I learned that I'm great in a crisis.  When the sky is falling and you need someone to get you organized, solve the problem and come up with an action plan I'm your girl.  This is no doubt a great quality but it does cause some problems because instead of grieving or feeling emotions I am deep in the throws of getting things done which means I don't grieve or feel the impact of situations until much later.  I'm glad I am able to recognize this about myself because it helps me understand why, much later ,when everyone else has moved on I am still grieving. 

One word that was prevalent throughout our discussion was honor.  We discussed that instead of trying to fight how I was feeling and constantly trying to pep myself up I should honor my emotions.  It was a relief for someone to give me permission to feel exactly how I needed to feel.  To help me recognize there will be good and bad days and you have to accept and honor them as they come.  I am so glad not to have to fight myself anymore but instead I can be kind to myself and allow the bad days to be what they will be. 

Finally, we discussed how I can honor those that I have lost.  How I can find a way each day to honor them and love them even though they aren't here anymore.  I thought about that part in Eat, Pray, Love when she is discussing her ex-husband and she tells him "Miss me and send me love and light and then let it go."  (Or something like that.)  I think that is really good advice.  So instead of fighting missing my loved ones I'm going to miss them and send them love. 

My commitment and promise to them and to myself is to live each day, the good and bad, as authentically as I possibly can.  To be who I am, what I am, that day no apologies or excuses.   To be thankful for the good moments and honor the bad and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I know that more than anything my loved ones would want me to be happy, to be free and to love them no matter what and so I am going to try to do just that in honor of their memory. 

I apologize this post was a bit deep and involved but I wanted to share what was on my heart with all of you.   I pray you never experience sadness or loss and if you do that you have amazing, loving people around you to help you through it.  I am deeply thankful to each of you for reading this often rambling, sometimes depressing and sometimes entertaining blog.  It means more to me than you could ever know.

xoxo